What happens when things feel like they’re slipping away?
You do everything you’re supposed to do right? Pray, sing, cry, read God’s Word, listen, be still… and yet… the slipping away doesn’t go away. Argh!!! What in the world????
So, the past few weeks have been interesting in the sense, I was experiencing an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and sadness and… I think as I write, I think it’s loss. An almost real physical loss of things hoped for, dreamed about, expected. Hmmmmmm… The kind of loss where you are living day-to-day, smiling, laughing, engaging with others and yet deep down in your spirit — loss. It’s like things were once in your hands or close enough where you could reach out and touch your dreams. You know? So alive and wonderful and exciting and amazing. Beautiful and precious. For all time.
And then… this ebbing away, bit by bit. What in the world??? :) I have a friend who says that. “What in the world?” It’s actually pretty funny how she says it. Especially when talking politics or about being single for a loooooooong time. Hehehehe. Or about life in general, the day, our lives. :)
What in the world Lord? What is going on? What is amazing about this horrible time I’ve been through in these past few weeks is the love of the Father. Big sigh… I am at a new campus at our church and have been so uncomfortable since I’ve been there. It’s not them, it’s me. I’ve been putting on this face, this facade of everything’s great. God is great. God is in control. And yet on the inside, feeling as though God’s answers are actually no, no, no, and no. And I have to live with it. No joy, no expectation, no peace. Just this hopelessness, uncertainty, emptiness. Hmmmmmm… Achhhhhhhhh…
Hehehehe. It really is hard to spell different types of sighs. There are probably a gazillion different types of sighs right? :) So there I am this past Sunday after church wanting to leave. God speaks to my heart — “don’t leave without getting prayer.” What? Seriously? I do not want to stick around for someone to pray for me. I’ve been asking for prayer from my friends and family and I don’t know these people. Argh!!!! No!!! I say No!!!
So as I wait for someone from the refuge prayer team, I am literally having this conversation with God. I’m saying, “No.” :) I am really telling God, “I know I need prayer, but I don’t want to do it here…